Work tantrums

Hey blog, I am back. And yes, you guessed right. There are lots of things that are not going the way I would want it to go. Actually, to think of it, I shouldn’t expect everything to go the way I want it to go. I should be accepting all that comes my way. But guess it’s not the way I am. I should learn to accept life the way it is and not fight with it to change the way it’s meant to be.

There are one too many things that aren’t going the way I want it to. Firstly, my job. I don't know if I should be complaining or blaming the company for all of this. But yeah, 3 years in this company and I am frustrated to no end. Reasons?? Lots.

1. 3 years in the company and I feel like I have been used and abused. This is the worst feeling to have. Once this feeling creeps in, it’s very difficult to get back to terms with your job.
2. 3 years in the company and I already feel like I have given all that I could have given to the company.
3. 3 years in the company and I already see no further growth in my personal career within the organization.

You must be wondering why, after having such good reasons to quit, I am still stuck here. Reasons?? Not many. Just one.

1. I don’t want to move out as a writer. I don’t want to move out as a reviewer. I want to move out after being a part of the management. I do not want to move to another organization and sweat out another 3 years before I get into the management level. I have invested 3 precious years of my life here and I want it to bring fruit.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, there's isn’t much that I can do. Once again, too many problems but only one hope.

1. Wait for the December appraisals. I have heard news about some “corrections” that are going to be made. Am hoping the “corrections” they make are justified and are in sync with the current market standards. If the “corrections” aren’t as good as I think I deserve, I'll start looking elsewhere. In the meantime, I'll read up books and take up a few courses (if possible) and make myself ready for the PMP certification.

That’s not the end of the stuff that’s not going right. Lots of other things. But, will talk about that later. People here just do not let me speak my mind. People interrupt in between. Lots of them. I'll tell u about it. But, maybe some other time.

To my love, with love

Dedicated to the love of my life..

I don’t know how to tell you this,
You bring to my life eternal bliss.
But I really want you to know..
Wherever you go, blindfolded, I’ll follow.

When I look at your eyes, so beautiful
Those big, round eyes, so graceful,
I swear you seem so celestial,
I am lucky you love me so ample.

When I look at those pink shapely luscious lips,
From the glass, the sweet wine you sip,
As a tiny little drop from the corner drips,
Yet again, my heart beat skips.

When you touch me with your smooth beautiful hands,
I dream of holding them all night, while walking on the sands.
I hear the sound of water hitting the shore,
Never would I have had a night better before.

If one wish of mine could come true,
I would never wanna bid you adieu.
In your arms I want to be,
Pondering why I love you so dearly.

Relationships

Being in a relationship is not all that easy and fun always. As a young boy in college, I never got into a relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship that actually would mean something to me. I did not wanna be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I used to think being in a relation would make life so beautiful. Thought being in a relationship will be the best thing that could happen to a person. Now that I am in a relationship, I don't think its always fun to be in one. There are a lot of things that are not the way you would have dreamt of.
Of course, being in a relationship is not all that bad either. It feels beautiful and a lot of fun when things are going great. The times you go out together, the movies you watch together, the times you talk for hours together, messaging each other till late in the night, staying up all night chatting with each other. Its like the times you wanna cherish forever.Guess being in a relationship has its own pros and cons. Let's try list them down

Pros:

• You know there is someone who is there for you.
• You know there is someone who is interested in little little things of your life.
• You know there is someone who enjoys listening to these little little things of your life when others would rubbish it off.
• You know there is someone who wants the best for you.
• You know there is someone who will fight the world if he/she knows that you are right.
• You know there is someone who cares for you more than anything in the world.
• You know there is someone who understands you, who understands there is something wrong behind the fake smile you putting up.
• You know there is someone who is listens to your heart and mind and not to what you say.
• You know there is someone you can talk to when you are down.
• You know there is someone you can crib/bitch/complain about anyone or anything.

Cons:

Guess there aren't too manys flip sides of being in a relationship. Or atleast, I can't think of many. But the thing that bothers me most is that it can kinda move you away from important people in your life. I love my friends and I think being in a relationship can keep you away from your friends at times. I am not cribbing about it but it just what I feel. You do not get time to spend with your friends. I kind of think a lot about what my friends feel. You do not wanna do anything that will hurt or make them feel bad in anyway. At the same time, you do not wanna hurt your gal also. It’s kinda a difficult dilemma to be in.

Guess that’s how life is supposed to be. You cannot have the cake and eat it as well. With all good things come things you just do not like. But you still accept the good thing as you know it is worth it. :-)

Another Weekend!!

Yet another weekend round the corner.. Think I am beginning to face what I call the "weekend blues". There are a lot of things I would love to do over the weekends but it never materializes. For some reason or the other, the plans are cancelled.

Today morning it struck me that Tuesday is a holiday. Was thinking of an extending the weekend by taking Monday off. But, then Denzi is working on Tuesday so its not an extended weekend for him.. That leaves just the 2 of us, Shirish and me. Plans cancelled.

We thought of going trekking tomorrow. But again just the 3 of us. So plan cancelled again. Beach futbol, again 3 only. Plan cancelled.

I have stopped expecting too much from weekends these days.. Earlier we used to start sending off mails on tuesday itself to plan our weekends. Nowadays, if at all it happens, its only Shirish and me who plan. When plans are discussed with friends, again its boils down to only a couple of us implementing.

Life like this, I guess. :)

I Love...

• I love hanging out with friends (Sadly, only a few friends remaining to hang out with)
• I love lazing on my couch (Sadly, my mom doesn’t like me doing this)
• I love surfing channels on TV while lazing on my couch (Sadly, my mom hates me doing this)
• I love surfing channels on TV while munching on stuff lazing on my couch (Sadly, my mom throws a huge tantrum when she sees me doing this)
• I love falling asleep on my couch after I am bored munching and surfing channels (Sadly, mom does not like this too)
• I love driving my little car (Sadly, my dad doesn’t like me burning petrol this way)
• I love listening to music while driving my little car (Sadly, I hardly get to drive my car)
• I love listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. Am listening to it now. (Surprisingly, no one has an issue with me doing this)
• I love being alone at times (Sadly, lots of people have problems with this)
• I love dreaming when I am alone (Sadly, I do not get time to be all alone)
• I love dreaming in the night when I am trying to sleep (Glad no one knows I do this)
• I love photographing (Sadly, I think I do not get chances to click good photos. I think I tend to miss on the good opportunities to catch good pics. Maybe, I am just not that creative)
• I love thinking I am a good photographer (Sadly, not many not think so)
• I love looking at good photographs clicked by amateurs (Yay!! I can do this without any problems)
• I love eating (Lots of issues with this.. Weight. Paunch.. junk food.. Health.. etc etc)
• I love walking on beaches (Sadly, hardly get to go to the beaches. Gorai beach is close by but it seriously needs cleaning)
• I love traveling (Sadly, do not get the opportunity too much. I hate traveling alone. I need company. Rarely do I get company)
• I love traveling in my car while wearing my shorts (Well, Dad has an issue with me taking the car out for drives too often, but no one dare have issues with my shorts.. hehe)
• I love watching travel shows (Well, this is when I am at home. AND when the remote is in my hands AND when there is no cricket match on)
• I love the show “Freedom Express” on Channel V (Sadly, plays only when Independence Day is nearing)
• I love the promos of the new show "My India Report" on Channel V (Sadly, I haven't had the time to catch the show yet)
• I love collecting die-cast models of cars and bikes (Alas, I have only a few and I lost 2 of my bikes)
• I love surfing the net (Sadly, my net isn't working)

So many things I love to do.. But for some reason or the other, I do not get to do these things.. Waiting for the time when I can do all of these without any problems.. Hehe.. see, just as I said..I love to dream.. Dream on...

Back on track

Today I was watching this video of the song "Chak De India".. What caught my attention in this song were the small captions that were being displayed throughout the video.. These captions were commonly used words of inspiration.. But it did have an affect on me. I thought the words were wonderfully made.. Don't know what it was.. Whether it was the depth of the words or simply the way these words were portrayed..

Excerpts from the songs video:

• Think big
• Dream on
• Right a wrong (Loved this one)
• Dare to fly
• Sometimes winning is everything (loved this one too)
• Take a stand
• Choose a high (another good one)
• Now or never
• Leave your mark
• Kill doubt
• Stand for something
• Prove something
• Make waves
• Never say die

I think these little words of inspiration, on a particular day can make such a huge impact on one’s life. It just depends on the day. These words may not have had such on impact on me any other day, but today it did.

It gave e a reason to go out and fight. Its given me a new zest and out look towards life. Its given me a fighting spirit. It has brought out the spirit of never let go..

Am glad I decided to leave late for work. It gave me the extra time in the morning to watch TV. :-)

Topsy turvy life

Life's not a smooth ride these days..
Everyday I come in to work, people ask me if I am fine.. My good friends ask me if I am fine or if they have done something to upset me.. Why?? why?? I think I am fine.. then why do people ask me such questions?? Is it just me?? Am I really behaving weird?? Once in a while if people ask you this, its fine.. but this has become a regular feature.. Everyday its become a routine.. This is scaring me.. Have I really turned into someone who knows only to sulk and crib??

I think I need a break.. I don't want to be known as someone like this.. This is not the way I think I am.. At times, I feel i am really acting weird.. I don't know if I am really acting weird or if it is only because people tell me so..

This is not just at work.. even at home.. everyday I go home, I pray for things to go cool.. I pray I do not get irritated and end up fighting.. All I do when I am home is eat and then sleep.. I think its been ages since I last sat and had a discussion with Mom, dad and sis.. I want to.. but I can't.. I get irritated soon.. and then I end up arguing... I, at times, find excuses to stay away from home.. I try to stay back at work.. reach home late so that all I would have to do is eat and then hit the bed...

Don't feel like writing any more..

Me going nuts..

Am back after a long long time.. I usually am back here when am fed up of life.. when I am frustrated.. Its the same reason today but its slightly different this time around..

I always know why I am frustrated.. angry etc.. but this time around, I know I am not fine.. I know I am frustrated.. but I do not know the reason why.. I am getting irritated by little things in life.. and I don't know why..

The other day I had a huge fight at home.. I ended up sulking and confining to myself for about 3 days.. It was bugging.. In office, I do not feel like working.. I know what needs to be done, but I just don't feel like doing it.. Its driving my crazy.. I receive mails but I do not reply even though I know what needs to be done.. All I need to do is forward mails, but I don't do that too..

Hope this is just a phase and it passes soon.. Or maybe atleast hope I figure out whats wrong soon so that I can do something about it..

My bloody fucking , blood-sucking company

I enjoyed an entire 1 Kg Dutch chocolate cake today with a few of my friends.. Nah.. that was not the intention of buying the cake in the first place.. We bought the cake to bid farewell to one of our dear collegues. But no. that was not to happen. Our bloody fucking company managed to play their good ol' dirty tricks and made her stay. This time they did not release her well deserved relieving letter. They gave her crap about being under the bond period and other big shit..

What she actually deserved was a wonderful farewell for all the hard work and efforts she has put in to get the team to where it stands today. I am not sure what they were thinking when they "convinced" her to stay.. a feeling a triumph?? I do not think so. I think they have made a very wrong decision in making her stay. Why?? Simply because I do not think she will respect the company or her job anymore. Why would I even feel like working here when u not being paid half the amount worth the efforts you put in?

I am feeling really bad and frustrated and irate at this moment. The blood-sucking madarchods make us work our ass out here and then give us peanuts.. We are not given enough opportunities here and when we find good promising opportunities for ourselves outside these bastards do not relieve us. The entire upper management seems to be apt for the term "management whores". All they can think of is profits.. Give us good opportunities here and we will stay. Its not a bad place, but we cannot feed ourselves and our families with a couple of good words.

Madarchods tell us that the entire projects is burdened on our shoulders. They taking in new projects based on the fact that we have been doing good jobs with our current projects.. but they are not ready to recognise our efforts financially. Crap.. Bastards ask us to trust them.. Trust?? Excuse me.. we did that for 1 whole damn year.. What did we get?? Nothing but big promises.. huge promises..fucking yes.. how did I forget.. we got zillions and zillions of appreciation. :)

Sometimes think these bastards do not know the meaning of the word Trust..We will pay you what you are worth, trust us?? Arre madarchod, we are doing that for the past 1 year now.. how much longer do you want us to trust??

Kya karenge behenchod itna paisa bachake.. these guys get an incentive from the amount of profit their department makes.. with the value of the dollar falling, how to maximise profits?? Hum "mazdoor" logon ka paisa mat badhao.. Behenchod kitna paisa khayega hum logon ka..bastards must be minting money..

even the HR department.. they have the guts to bloody send a mail out saying that the appraisals have been delayed by a month. A month?? Bastards.. We never say that for our projects.. "Sorry, the delivery that was supposed to be done today has been delayed for a month. Please expect the delivery to be done next month." Ever imagine sending out such a mail to our clients?? These bastards have done it.. Imagine the state of the people who have commitments and are expecting a good salary for this month?? for example me, I have spent 4 fucking months borrowing money from people.. I was expecting a good raise and thought I could be back to my usual enjoying self.. but no.. one more fucking month of borrowing money from dad. I hate it.. 24 running 25.. I should be givng money at home for their daily expenses and I shamelessly take money from dad.. :((

Life feels like a huge shit hole.. Every tom dick and harry comes and gives crap. I hate it.. feel like drinking away to glory today.. but no.. Am as broke as I have been for the past 4 fucking months..

Sorry.. Had to write abt work

Well.. I know a few minutes ago, I had decided not to talk abt work.. but, couldn't stop myself.. What instigated me to write the most is that fact that I am all alone here on this freaking 5th floor.. and the freaking company adheres to its cost cutting policy and switches off the lights around me.. been 5 minutes since I have asked the security to get the lights on.. Not done yet!!



Hmm.. work.. Don't think I am working at the same place that I joined about 3 years ago.. the first couple of years here were fun.. lots of friends.. lots of fun.. lots of work..now, its different.. Lots of work.. Few friends.. almost no fun.. :( Why?? I don't quiet know.. Maybe its got to do with the fact that the higher you move up the ladder, the fewer friends you have.. Yes.. I am climbing up the ladder.. I see around and I do not see friends.. yes.. there are a couple of good friends here but the rest, am not too sure.. We talk, we laugh, but am not sure if we really laughing from our hearts..



Its been about 18 months in this new department of mine.. I joined this department because of 3 things..

1. My immediate boss: I really admire this female. Think she is a very good boss. Hmmm, yeah.. a good boss is the one who can please both the management and the resources.. Ok fine, the management needs to be pleased more.


2. Overseas opportunity: This department gave me 2 wonderful opportunities to visit the US and work there for about 7 months.. Really enjoyed the experience..


3. The change: I really needed a change from my earlier role. I wanted to move on.. this oppurtunity gave me the chance to move on and take up a different role.

There I was, October 2005, in this new department with a vey very good friend of mine.. We were joined by 3 other new people.. Well, 2 new and 1 person new to the writing world.. We formed the pilot team of this new project.. We attended trainings, completed assignments etc etc.. Even way back then, the ice was obvious.. I could never get myself comfortable with the 3 new people.. But yeah.. work continued.. we got more work.. all oof us travelled to the US.. We had fun together there.. good days.. The client was happy with our work.. they gave us more work..

The client was happy.. our management was happy.. but what abt us?? we ever not.. we were overworked.. paid peanuts.. :( A few days earlier, we won a bid worth $5 million.. what do we get.. a 5-star each?? wat next?? a 7-up when we win a $7 million bid?? This is not done.. We have given everything we have to this project.. I have spent days out here.. late nights.. all for what?? a few peanuts?? no.. I did it because I expected something more when the project does well.. Think I was expecting a bit too much.. I forgot that I am supposed to work for the benefit and profit of the organization and not for self growth.. I have been given several promises.. lots of good stuff has been said abt me.. but these people got to realize.. it all comes down to money.. you got to show me the money to have me stick around here.. Words of appreciation is good.. its needed.. but at the same time, you need to be appreciated in kind..

Forget.. me not in the mood to write anything more here.. but yeah. will keep getting back everytime I feel low and need to crib... Sorry, this blog is gonna be the place I am gonna crib... I am gonna complain..

Back Again!!

Hey.. am back..
Sorry for leaving this page untouched for ages.. as decided.. am gonna be scrapping crap here..

This page must be feeling "Like a virgin, being touched for the very first time" now.. ages since I blogged.. why?? was tired.. bored.. and most importantly.. was busy.. Lots has happened over the last few months.. most importantly.. a new place.. yes.. I moved with my family into a new place..a bit smaller than the old place, but its good.. Feels nice to be the owner of a house.. but yeah.. pinches real bad when I pay the installments every single month.. eats up most of my peanuts.. :(

Work has been hectic.. fun??? hmmm.. yeah.. used to be.. dunno if its the same place these days.. kinda feel lost.. don't see a purpose in putting a 100% these days.. the first 2 years here felt good.. everyone seemed to be friends.. work and fun at the same time.. but now, the dirty ugly worldly characteristics seems to be creeping in.. yup.. lots of politics, back-biting etc etc.. not gonna talk abt work here..

Hmmm.. wow.. kinda seems difficult to think of anything apart from work.. :) Never knew someday when I sit thinking about life, the only thing that would come to my mind would be work.. :) Am making a conscious effort to think of something else..

oh yeah.. after a long time, I sat to watch TV day before.. Dil Chahta Hai was playing.. I think its a brilliant effort by Farhan.. especially since its his first movie.. Loved the movie.. Farhan has wonderfully managed to bring out the emotions shared by friends.. don't think this has been portrayed so well ever before.. Enjoyed every bit of it..

Wondering why I decided to write today?? Well.. am in office.. all alone.. waiting for a call.. I felt like talking to someone.. so thought of this.. :) Glad am back here..

Last week, I had a couple of drinks after work with K and Abhi.. Wednesday, the reason was the Champions league finals.. (Damn!! I didn't even know who were playing) and Friday, because we had fun on Wednesday.. We really had fun bitching abt work and workmates.. hehe.. yeah.. who says guys don't bitch?? I guess its kinda a stress buster.. :) Only wish I had a buddy from my department who understands work that I do.. :) Nevertheless.. Thanks K and Abhi.. We need to do this more often.. :) Well yeah.. Mom was kinda pissed both the days.. was not quiet happy about the fact that I went drinking after work hours.. but I enjoyed it.. hmm.. K and Abhi.. let's not make this too frequent.. :)

Wow.. me feeling so much better after writing this.. no deletions.. no rewriting.. straight from my heart.. No edits.. :) I could go on and on..

I do not remember the last time I read the newspaper.. days, sorry weeks ago.. but yeah.. there is one section of Mumbai Mirror that I read daily.. nah.. u cheapos.. not the "Ask the sexpert" section.. :) Love the "Line Maro" section on the last page.. gives u nice cool sweet one-liners.. Remember reading one that goes something like this: "I thought cadbury was the sweetest thing on earth, until I met you." Cute na?? :) Ok fine.. At times, I do read the "Ask the Sexpert" section too.. you got to admit.. its informative.. :)

yeah.. I remember reading this freaking article in Mumbai Mirror ages ago.. Reading that a thought surfaced "Newspapers should go under the axe too, like movie".. this was a freaky article with pictures.. The article was about how sweepers in Mumbai are finding human foetus in dustbins.. Freaky.. the images in the articles left me disturbed for days..

Well.. well.. so much in 35 mins.. wow.. guess I'll stop here.. hands itching to write.. write abt the work environment around here.. but nah.. me decided not to talk abt work.. :)